two big ones and a little one.

Now that a lot of our stuff is all packed up, spending the days here in the apartment is kind of boring and sad. Today J and I picked up Marc at lunchtime and drove to the post office to get a second change-of-address form for Marc's business. I took the route that goes along the water. This is one of the great things about living on the Connecticut shoreline. There is water around every corner, between the River and the Sound.

Then we went to a storage place to buy some more boxes. There was a really nice lady working there who first asked into exactly what kind of car we planned to fit all of those boxes, and who then came out to the parking lot to help us actually load the car. It didn't look too good for a little while there, but we managed.

We dropped Marc off and came home. J took a nap and then we got back in the car and went to Stonington. A couple of friends had told me about a store that I wanted to check out, and then J and I took a walk down by the beach. The boxes were still in the car and they were sort of trapping his stroller underneath so I put him in the carrier.

I'm not going to be able to carry him in that thing much longer. Between that fact, the falling leaves, the stark gray day and view at the beach, and the depressing condition of our apartment, I started to feel kind of down. I love autumn; it's my favorite season, but it is also a reminder of the way things fool you with their beauty into not noticing that they're dying.

There were a couple of other parents around with their kids, and they were skipping stones and climbing all over the rocks. J and I just sat on a bench and watched them. I walked around a little so J could see the flags up close, and then we picked up some smooth beach rocks to take to Marc. At first I was looking for beach glass or something tidal-poolish, but I know Marc likes smooth things.

I ended up finding two bigger rocks and a little rock that fit the bill. That's been a theme for me lately -- two big ones and a little one. Like us, two big people and a little person, at least for now.

Being a mother is tough work. It's harder than I ever imagined. But it is also the most rewarding job I've ever had. Watching J grow, seeing how he learns different things and just observing how he IS, how he exists in the world and how the world adjusts to accommodate him, that's the bonus for all of my hard work. It's better than stock options but requires much more emotional investment in the job.

I'm trying to concentrate on seeing each day for what it is, not for what we didn't get accomplished or for what we missed out on. Being sad about J growing up does me no good, and it does him no good. I'm much better off helping make each day count toward the person he will become, teaching him how to be a responsible and loving human being. In the meantime, I get to just let him be the little person that he is, while he still is. Someday we'll be two big ones and a medium-sized one, and then we'll just be three big ones. Or maybe two big ones and an even bigger one. Or a bigger one and two medium-to-big-sized ones, depending on how much Marc and I shrink in our old age.