month 1.

In honor of J's first month as a live human being, may I present

THINGS THAT ARE GREAT ABOUT SOCKS

• Socks reduce foot ticklishness which in turn keeps mothers from tickling feet to keep babies awake when they are eating.
• Socks can make you look tougher.
• Socks can be dipped in things like diapers that are filled with poop and sitting open under your butt.
• Socks make more laundry.
• Socks make existing laundry more confusing, especially when the socks are tiny and almost every one is some shade of yellow.
• Socks hold that weird last toe up next to all the other, straight-pointing toes.
• Socks keep parents from mistaking toes for Thin Mints.

Another week, another indulgence. Today's trip to the pediatrician revealed that J is overtired and overstimulated. Babies supposedly need around 16 hours of sleep a day, and I estimate J's up to around 12, which is way less in baby time.

We have now initiated what might turn out to be our worst experiment to date, Project Shoot-Me-NOW, wherein we allow the baby to cry himself to sleep. The pediatrician actually spoke these words:

"Put him down, close the door, and turn up the stereo."

And then later:

"If DCF comes to the door, you can refer them to me."

Watch here for updates. In the meantime, you can find what might be the last pictures of the baby looking happy under the heading Week 4 over at the constantly tweaked punkly.com/J.

On a slightly more sappy note, may I also present these

THINGS THAT ARE GREAT ABOUT MY KID

• My kid can smile.
• My kid is in the "99th, or maybe 100th" (-Dr.) percentile for weight, making him quite possibly the fattest baby in America (?).
• My kid has my eyelashes.
• My kid beats up stuffed animals.
• My kid baby-snores.
• My kid has a dimple.
• My kid screamed bloody murder when I tried to read him Goodnight Moon but sits quietly for articles from The New Yorker's humor issue and Cook's Illustrated's review of frypans.
• My kid made it to one month without any person in this family eating or otherwise harming any part of any other person in this family.*

* Long term psychological data not yet available.

Also, today I learned how to make bullets.

Posted at 10:04 PM in category monthly update.