five reasons i could never live in southern california.

1. Lorenzo Lamas was right when he said that thighs that touch are better looking than thighs in LA.

2. If it's good, there's a line. If there's not a line, it's because traffic is heavy and you're not there yet.

3. I am allergic to the sun. I don't know how this can be, and I'm not trying to be cute. There are hives involved.

4. Tall people get more sun. Really. The sun rises earlier for us, or so I hear. The sun definitely sets later for us. Do the math.

5. You must not pet the teddy bear cactus, or the teddy bear cactus will pet you.